Tag Archive | Vent

In a Fog…

NYC -Times Square - 3.12.10 {photo by Cicely}

I took an unintentional blog break. It wasn’t for lack of activity. March was a whirlwind – Jay-Z concert, Trip to NYC, and other tidbits. Despite all the exciting activity, I’ve felt like I was sleepwalking through a fog. I would love to say that I’m doing unbelievably well since I’ve moved. I should be honest. I’m not.

Since November, I’ve been jetting between L.A. and Virginia Beach. This, of course, was disorienting and kept me from fully acknowledging what was happening. Mentally, I knew that moving cross-country, getting divorced, and leaving Dottie with Rob was momentous.  I thought I had prepared myself. I read books, talked to divorced friends, and prayed. Then, it hit me a week after my NYC trip… I’d lost my life as I knew it.

There are things that I’m glad to have lost. L.A. Traffic and my awful landlords. In all seriousness, I am relieved to be out of marriage that wasn’t working and couldn’t be salvaged. The stress of the situation was really taking its toll. I am grateful that the divorce is amicable. I believe that given enough time Rob and I could be friends.

What I didn’t fully comprehend was that by moving I was losing a lifestyle. I had gotten comfortable with city life. Diversity. Late night. Creative Resources. A plethora of eateries. I loved it all and now miss it all. I especially miss the fast-paced indescribable energy that you find in a city. The slower pace and homogenized community in Virginia Beach is safe and comfortable for some, yet stifling for me. I am not trashing the place. It’s just not my style. The resources that I became accustomed to are nonexistent here. It’s hard to find alternatives without having to spend a lot of extra cash.

In case it wasn’t apparent, my living situation isn’t ideal. After living on my own for 12 years, my financial situation dictated that I move back in with my parents. For years, I have reveled in my independence. For a good while I was taking care of myself and Rob.  I had my household. My own home. To have to depend on my parents again is demoralizing. For as much I love my family, there was a very good reason why I lived 3,050 miles away. I like having my space. Being in the midst of a busy household is tough. I feel as though I never have a moment to myself. If that wasn’t enough, I’ve traveled back in time. I’m 16 again and have a curfew. I’m 34 years old! I’m divorced, not a child.  My 26-year-old brother doesn’t have a curfew, but I do. The thought alone makes me want to cry. I’m not out late {nothing’s open!}, but I’d love to have the option. I’m convinced this is karma biting me in the butt. A few years ago, I teased a beau when he moved back in with his parents. I joked and said we could pretend we were in high school again. He was hurt and I laughed. Now, here I am in my old high school bedroom {which has been redecorated at least}. Dear E, if you’re reading this, I’m sorry I was jerk. If it’s any consolation to you, I’m receiving my comeuppance in spades.

With this in mind, it’s difficult to transition. I am humbled. I am upset. I am depressed. I am not getting any sleep.

I AM NOT defeated.

I’m still fighting and forging ahead. I’m a feisty gal. It’s what I do. Beneath this emotional fog, I still know that I have been presented a unique opportunity. I got a “Do-over”. By losing so much, I can start from scratch. Move to Paris or NYC? Maybe. Go back to school? Strong possibility. Travel as much as my little heart desires? Sign me up. Rethink my career choices? Most definitely. I just have to figure out what it is that I really want. This is tougher than you can imagine. I’m a sky’s-the-limit-kind of gal. The choices are overwhelming.

Please don’t call the guys with the coats just yet. I’m very emotional, but I’m still here. I just wanted to vent and explain where I’ve been.