Tag Archive | California

Musings about TheEx

August 26-Sept 2, 2010 {Los Angeles, CA}

Rob & Dottie - Old Town Pasadena

When people say that divorce is a long process, they aren’t kidding. It is a painful and seemingly never-ending ordeal. Imagine your worst break-up and drag it out over a course of a year or more. By most standards, Rob and I are having an amicable divorce. Despite this, it’s still been a gut-wrenching affair.

I had to head back to Los Angeles to handle divorce business. No need to get into the specifics, except to say there were more papers to be signed and an appointment at the courthouse. In the weeks and nights preceding the trip, I lost a considerable amount of sleep and the stress was eating at me. I hadn’t seen Rob, whom I’ve conveniently referring to as TheEx, in 6 months. We have talked over phone during the last couple of months, but seeing him in person would be different. I wasn’t sure how I would feel – angry? sad? indifferent?

My emotions have run the gamut. For a long period of time, I was angry at him, like raging lunatic angry. I have hundreds of tweets that can attest to this. {Sorry, twitter friends}. Then the anger would turn to pity when I would speak to him and hear about what had become of his life. Then, of course, he’d say something to piss me off and I’d be back to being angry. Then, I would be sad when I ponder why our marriage was among the many that fail. It was a terrible roller coaster to be on.

After several flights and a short car ride, I was standing in the home that I had shared with Rob. It felt familiar and foreign all at the same time. Then, there he was… Rob – the man that I had been married to for 2 years and left 9 months prior. He hugged me and I felt like I was hugging a stranger. I had spent nearly 6 years of my life with this man and now it felt odd for him to even touch me. It was unsettling and upsetting. I did not expect that. I thought I’d feel differently, but I didn’t expect to feel so disconnected. It may be a defense mechanism.

I left Rob, but I left because I had no choice. In my angry tweets and ranting about Rob, I omit the part where I have been deeply hurt. I’m sure that the hurt could be inferred. I loved Rob to the point where it nearly killed me… literally. The stress of our failing marriage had caused my health to degrade. I was overweight, clinically depressed, had daily migraine headaches, and the beginnings of an ulcer. I had persevered for nearly a year when I realized that I was the only one trying to save a sinking ship. Rob’s promises were empty and simply lip-service. They were terrible realizations to make. This man I had loved so much didn’t love me nearly enough.

There was a question of whether or not I missed Rob. The answer is a complex one. My life with Rob wasn’t all bad. We had some good times. After all, I was married to Captain Fun. This blog has dozens of entries detailing our adventures and exploits. It’s just that those good times were few and far between. I will miss Rob’s sense of adventure. Although, I still have my own wanderlust to keep me moving. More than his sense of adventure, I miss Rob’s friendship and the familiarity we had. He knew me and all my idiosyncrasies well… sometimes to my disadvantage.  How else did I stay for so long? The man knew how to play me. He’s not nearly that nefarious, but I think you get the idea. I’m confident that after some time Rob and I will be able to establish some kind of friendship.

Because I’ve had some time and some space away from him, I can honestly say I don’t hate Rob. The anger has subsided and I’m reveling in my freedom. I don’t think Rob’s a terrible person, just a horrific husband for me. Despite some of the unforgivable things he has done, I still wish the best for Rob. Everyone deserves a happy life… even Ex-husbands 😉

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